At first I was afraid I was petrified
By the ugly slapper that was lying by my side
I would've drunk a little less,
I would've tried to keep my head.
If I'd known for just one second you'd
Assault me in your bed.

I tried to go, walk out the door
But you've been sitting on my legs and I
Can't feel them anymore
And now you're sitting on my face, my nose
Has vanished - not a trace,
I only hope that your big knickers are not
Made of liquorice lace

I want to go, I've got to leave
Before your fat and naked body makes me want
to heave
I Only hope that no one saw me walking home
With such a slut
Oh God the things that you can get up to when you're
Half cut.

I can't believe, I'm lying here.
It's all 'cos of that f**king evil drink that
We call beer
You can all sod your beer goggles, shit I must
Have been blind
To mistake that Hoover dam for a sexy young behind.

Please let me go, I'm getting scared
There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly
Breasts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad, God what
Made me want to court her?
With tits that look like Tesco bags I've just
Filled up with water

It's time to go, run out the door
She's started hinting that she wants sex on her
Dirty lino floor
I don't think there's anything worse
Than the al-co-hol-ics curse.